Don't worry: I didn't put a picture on this blog article!

A few weeks ago, a dear friend posed a metaphorical question: How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche? And I texted her immediately, asking if she was responding to an email from our prior head honcho.

So...I posed the question to my loyal facebook fans: How do you know your manager is a "big fizzy douche" (to coin a musical number in Chuck Lorre's ingenious and always entertaining show, "Two and a Half Men"? The response was overwhelming, and emails are still coming in.

So, with no further ado, are you, or do you have, a DOUCHE BOSS? Here is a Top 10 Get Hired and Beyond Exclusive List!

10. You take no accountability for your team, point fingers, and blame others for your disinterest and inadequacy.
9. You treat your employees as objects, rather than humans. This is especially true and especially disgusting at termination time. 
8. You lie or make false promises, including (but not limited to): promises of raises and promotions which the company cannot back up (and you are well aware of the carrot you dangle.)
7. Instead of focusing on employee accomplishments, you nitpick the 3 minutes someone is late because they are stuck in traffic, commuting half an hour or more, to get to your stress-filled crap zone of despair. (Ok, maybe that's one of my personal contributions.)
6. You speak to your subordinates as though they were minions. Or small, stupid children. Or small, stupid minions. Being demeaning and demoralizing is a very douche way to talk to individuals you personally hired for skill and expertise.
5. You don't delegate work appropriate for the staff you hired because nobody will do it as well as you do, thereby making very intelligent people fixate on mediocre crap.
4. You devalue anything in your employees' lives besides work and expect them at your beck and call, at minimum wage, around the clock. (Right, Boss from #7?)
3. You are too self absorbed to notice that morale has gone down the toilet, faster than your team can say "Douche!"
2. You rule through a culture of intimidation, rather than a culture of respect. Yeah, that sucks on the receiving end!
1. You ask a minimum wage employee for a personal loan, then threaten to penalize the person since they did not provide you with said loan. (I actually heard that from someone this week, and think that takes the KING DOUCHE CROWN!)

Sorry to have offended anyone with the repeated usage of the word "douche'. Please feel free to take creative license when sharing with others, and change to ass-hat, crap-nozzle, jerkoff, or any other term that truly encompasses the ultimate douche-ness of a prior (or current) boss. 

Feel free to share in comments or privately how your boss has been a huge douche to you! Your anonymous quote may make it into an upcoming blog!

I shall now go burst into the musical number made famous by Walden Schmidt and Alan Harper! And...I can't sing!
A friend of mine was laid off due to a downturn in business last year. (Sounds familiar?) She was depressed, angry, and frustrated having never been out of a job in her life. (Still familiar, right?) And it took her quite a while to identify what she wanted to do next. She had a great run of success in business to business sales, and unfortunately, very few organizations were hiring. So she did what anyone who (thankfully) has a savings account did, and took a little time off to refocus, regroup, and decide what her plan of attack would be.

During that time, she took a temporary job, but knew this would not be her long term goal. Once focused, it took her SIX WEEKS (that’s it, 6 weeks!) to successfully land a sales job!!! Her resume highlighted both her STABILITY and ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Moreover, she is one of the most likeable people I know, and clicked immediately with her boss! In less than a year afterwards, she has been promoted once and is looking at a second one shortly. She has established credibility, ethics, and trust with her boss. She explained that the key was presenting his information in a way that her boss would value. She wore the shoes of the person in the interviewer’s chair, and told me that to this day, she and her boss see eye to eye on many important key points and values related to the daily operations and upcoming plans. And of course, the boss likes her. It really is a simple formula:

1.     Add value. Document the value you have added to prior companies.
2.     Be likeable. And honest!
3.     When you are working, be the best you can be.
4.     If you and a company work well together, stay there. Have a stable professional background.
5.     Know the next step in your career path. Have a flexible but defined idea of the strategy.

There are millions of people getting new and better jobs each day! Don’t give up!!!