Don't worry: I didn't put a picture on this blog article!

A few weeks ago, a dear friend posed a metaphorical question: How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche? And I texted her immediately, asking if she was responding to an email from our prior head honcho.

So...I posed the question to my loyal facebook fans: How do you know your manager is a "big fizzy douche" (to coin a musical number in Chuck Lorre's ingenious and always entertaining show, "Two and a Half Men"? The response was overwhelming, and emails are still coming in.

So, with no further ado, are you, or do you have, a DOUCHE BOSS? Here is a Top 10 Get Hired and Beyond Exclusive List!

10. You take no accountability for your team, point fingers, and blame others for your disinterest and inadequacy.
9. You treat your employees as objects, rather than humans. This is especially true and especially disgusting at termination time. 
8. You lie or make false promises, including (but not limited to): promises of raises and promotions which the company cannot back up (and you are well aware of the carrot you dangle.)
7. Instead of focusing on employee accomplishments, you nitpick the 3 minutes someone is late because they are stuck in traffic, commuting half an hour or more, to get to your stress-filled crap zone of despair. (Ok, maybe that's one of my personal contributions.)
6. You speak to your subordinates as though they were minions. Or small, stupid children. Or small, stupid minions. Being demeaning and demoralizing is a very douche way to talk to individuals you personally hired for skill and expertise.
5. You don't delegate work appropriate for the staff you hired because nobody will do it as well as you do, thereby making very intelligent people fixate on mediocre crap.
4. You devalue anything in your employees' lives besides work and expect them at your beck and call, at minimum wage, around the clock. (Right, Boss from #7?)
3. You are too self absorbed to notice that morale has gone down the toilet, faster than your team can say "Douche!"
2. You rule through a culture of intimidation, rather than a culture of respect. Yeah, that sucks on the receiving end!
1. You ask a minimum wage employee for a personal loan, then threaten to penalize the person since they did not provide you with said loan. (I actually heard that from someone this week, and think that takes the KING DOUCHE CROWN!)

Sorry to have offended anyone with the repeated usage of the word "douche'. Please feel free to take creative license when sharing with others, and change to ass-hat, crap-nozzle, jerkoff, or any other term that truly encompasses the ultimate douche-ness of a prior (or current) boss. 

Feel free to share in comments or privately how your boss has been a huge douche to you! Your anonymous quote may make it into an upcoming blog!

I shall now go burst into the musical number made famous by Walden Schmidt and Alan Harper! And...I can't sing!
 
 
Some signs that you may have a toxic boss:
    -Are you so stressed when you leave work that you are shaking?
    -Are you concerned every day that your boss is going to fire you, even though you are highly productive?
    -Do you get panic attacks anticipating that you may see your boss early in the morning?
    -Are you looking over your shoulder and not sure why?
    -Are you scared of going to the bathroom because that's when the BIG KAHUNA does "rounds"?

Working this way can leave you stressed, sick, and depressed!

Toxic bosses are the grown up version of the playground bully. Since they have nothing valuable to contribute, they demean their employees and sap energy instead of stealing lunch change. That is not okay!

There are a lot of unstable people in the world. Some of them are in management positions. (I'm not sure how either, but they are.) The best you can do in a toxic boss scenario is ensure that you have a good work life balance. Whether you prefer to work out or veg in front of the TV, make sure you have time for yourself to de-stress and detoxify from your day. Furthermore, don't take it personally! If the boss is like this with everyone, and you know it's a sick environment, don't personalize the boss's anger/insanity/instability. We all know that will only get you worse. Commiserate with your colleagues, because they understand, and chances are: nobody who is not in your situation will get the intricacies. But, don't wallow with your colleagues. Encourage each other. And always keep your resume on standby and updated! You never know when toxic boss is going to snap!

Also, if it gets ugly enough, report the person to higher management or human resources. You don't want to be a victim of a losing battle involving harassment or retaliation. Know your rights within the law. And hang in there! There are great bosses out there too!