Don't worry: I didn't put a picture on this blog article!

A few weeks ago, a dear friend posed a metaphorical question: How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche? And I texted her immediately, asking if she was responding to an email from our prior head honcho.

So...I posed the question to my loyal facebook fans: How do you know your manager is a "big fizzy douche" (to coin a musical number in Chuck Lorre's ingenious and always entertaining show, "Two and a Half Men"? The response was overwhelming, and emails are still coming in.

So, with no further ado, are you, or do you have, a DOUCHE BOSS? Here is a Top 10 Get Hired and Beyond Exclusive List!

10. You take no accountability for your team, point fingers, and blame others for your disinterest and inadequacy.
9. You treat your employees as objects, rather than humans. This is especially true and especially disgusting at termination time. 
8. You lie or make false promises, including (but not limited to): promises of raises and promotions which the company cannot back up (and you are well aware of the carrot you dangle.)
7. Instead of focusing on employee accomplishments, you nitpick the 3 minutes someone is late because they are stuck in traffic, commuting half an hour or more, to get to your stress-filled crap zone of despair. (Ok, maybe that's one of my personal contributions.)
6. You speak to your subordinates as though they were minions. Or small, stupid children. Or small, stupid minions. Being demeaning and demoralizing is a very douche way to talk to individuals you personally hired for skill and expertise.
5. You don't delegate work appropriate for the staff you hired because nobody will do it as well as you do, thereby making very intelligent people fixate on mediocre crap.
4. You devalue anything in your employees' lives besides work and expect them at your beck and call, at minimum wage, around the clock. (Right, Boss from #7?)
3. You are too self absorbed to notice that morale has gone down the toilet, faster than your team can say "Douche!"
2. You rule through a culture of intimidation, rather than a culture of respect. Yeah, that sucks on the receiving end!
1. You ask a minimum wage employee for a personal loan, then threaten to penalize the person since they did not provide you with said loan. (I actually heard that from someone this week, and think that takes the KING DOUCHE CROWN!)

Sorry to have offended anyone with the repeated usage of the word "douche'. Please feel free to take creative license when sharing with others, and change to ass-hat, crap-nozzle, jerkoff, or any other term that truly encompasses the ultimate douche-ness of a prior (or current) boss. 

Feel free to share in comments or privately how your boss has been a huge douche to you! Your anonymous quote may make it into an upcoming blog!

I shall now go burst into the musical number made famous by Walden Schmidt and Alan Harper! And...I can't sing!
Today, I took on the undertaking of all undertakings! I decided to peel the wallpaper from our half bath. Now, allow me to explain that this is not only the smallest room in my home, but one of the smallest rooms I had ever seen. Until I got started... 

Now, everyone knows about the heaping plate of spaghetti which you can eat for hours and not make a dent in? That was my 4 wall inferno! To explain further, I am not someone who enjoys manual labor. I am not reveling in an almost finished product. (I lost all feeling in my dominant hand and needed to stop.) Understand that, at 5'3", I was not doing well at getting the wallpaper saturated close to the ceiling. In fact, where I left off were the uppermost corners. I took a couple of risky moves all around: risking my manicure (I'm girly!), stepping on what I didn't realize was a very wet vanity, and just being on a ladder in general is not typically a safe bet with me being more klutzy than most.

So...where are we going here? Today, I appreciated what painters do (and why they charge so much) more than I ever thought possible! Having pulled out mature plants from my yard, laid 20 or more bags of mulch, and now, scraped (most of) a room of wallpaper, I have an increased respect for those working physically hard to make a living. It's tough! I could have called my painter. But I figured I'd save some money and put in some sweat equity. I also did not realize that, while it's not the toughest job, it's the opposite of fun! 

Additionally, when I hear people who tell me they can/will do "anything" for a job, I realize that first, they are coming off as exceptionally desperate, and secondly, while I technically could peel wallpaper, there is no way on this side of hell that I plan on doing that a second time over! Ever! If we ever look at a new house, it will be wallpaper free prior to move-in. I could, but I won't, and that's something that unemployed people must be aware of!

And in case you are wondering, HGTV is very misleading. It takes more than 30 minutes to renovate the walls in a microscopic bathroom!

Put yourself in the shoes of your employees. Instead of assuming that a $10/hour employee is as invested in the bottom line of the company as you are (making a management salary), see what incentivizes your employees. Many of them are working multiple jobs to make sure they have gas in their car and food on their table. They may not care about the long term effects of the business forecast plan.

A great way to motivate is to see what the "hot buttons" are for your employees who work diligently each day and want to achieve more, whether they are enrolled in school or working towards a promotion.

Please treat them with the respect they deserve! They, in turn, will want to give you more!
Land the plane!!! After a while, I am not listening. You have exhausted me and I am bored. 

This is what I want you to think about when speaking with a potential employer, recruiter, resume writer, or other individual with whom you are networking. There are so many things I need to get done in a day that listening to you yammer on about nothing is not impressing me. Get to the &$*!^! point! Please!!!

I get calls at least weekly asking how I am doing, what’s going on, etc. Meanwhile, you have not identified your name nor the purpose of the call. How am I supposed to have a conversation with you when I don’t know who the hell you are? Really!!!

I was getting a pedicure today. Sadly, the customer who called and talked to my nail tech (they don't have a receptionist) spent a good 5 minutes asking her all kinds of questions and finished by telling her a life story. Thanks for not letting me get her full attention. Have courtesy that the world is not revolving around you every moment of each day!

And this is rampant! At a booth for a local fair with Get Hired and Beyond this weekend, many other vendors stood in front of me to sell me their products, and took time and room away from people who were interested in mine. That’s not good policy. I have consideration for fellow small business owners and sales associates, and would expect that you would respect my time as well. The Golden Rule is called that for a reason.

The same is true when you are working with colleagues! I have colleagues who start a story and 3 days later, they are still telling it. While I would love to hear the moment by moment play by play of your weekend, I am being paid to work. Come to think of it, so are you!

Treat others with the consideration you would want. Not everyone needs to hear your life story. And if you can’t read body language, then you are not going to do well working with people! Be aware when someone looks away, starts writing a list or (gasp!) turns and walks away from you! That is a good indicator that your story was way too long!!!