Don't worry: I didn't put a picture on this blog article!
A few weeks ago, a dear friend posed a metaphorical question: How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche? And I texted her immediately, asking if she was responding to an email from our prior head honcho.
So...I posed the question to my loyal facebook fans: How do you know your manager is a "big fizzy douche" (to coin a musical number in Chuck Lorre's ingenious and always entertaining show, "Two and a Half Men"? The response was overwhelming, and emails are still coming in.
So, with no further ado, are you, or do you have, a DOUCHE BOSS? Here is a Top 10 Get Hired and Beyond Exclusive List!
10. You take no accountability for your team, point fingers, and blame others for your disinterest and inadequacy.
9. You treat your employees as objects, rather than humans. This is especially true and especially disgusting at termination time.
8. You lie or make false promises, including (but not limited to): promises of raises and promotions which the company cannot back up (and you are well aware of the carrot you dangle.)
7. Instead of focusing on employee accomplishments, you nitpick the 3 minutes someone is late because they are stuck in traffic, commuting half an hour or more, to get to your stress-filled crap zone of despair. (Ok, maybe that's one of my personal contributions.)
6. You speak to your subordinates as though they were minions. Or small, stupid children. Or small, stupid minions. Being demeaning and demoralizing is a very douche way to talk to individuals you personally hired for skill and expertise.
5. You don't delegate work appropriate for the staff you hired because nobody will do it as well as you do, thereby making very intelligent people fixate on mediocre crap.
4. You devalue anything in your employees' lives besides work and expect them at your beck and call, at minimum wage, around the clock. (Right, Boss from #7?)
3. You are too self absorbed to notice that morale has gone down the toilet, faster than your team can say "Douche!"
2. You rule through a culture of intimidation, rather than a culture of respect. Yeah, that sucks on the receiving end!
1. You ask a minimum wage employee for a personal loan, then threaten to penalize the person since they did not provide you with said loan. (I actually heard that from someone this week, and think that takes the KING DOUCHE CROWN!)
Sorry to have offended anyone with the repeated usage of the word "douche'. Please feel free to take creative license when sharing with others, and change to ass-hat, crap-nozzle, jerkoff, or any other term that truly encompasses the ultimate douche-ness of a prior (or current) boss.
Feel free to share in comments or privately how your boss has been a huge douche to you! Your anonymous quote may make it into an upcoming blog!
I shall now go burst into the musical number made famous by Walden Schmidt and Alan Harper! And...I can't sing!
Many of you may be wondering: what’s the deal with Sulley, the job search bulldog? Let me explain his back story, as well as why he is so relevant to job searching. His expertise and will resonate with many, and he already seems to be developing quite the fan club, wiggling his way into the hearts of many, as he did with our family.
We had recently lost my beloved pug, Cheechee, who I adopted at 5. He was 13, kicked cancer twice, and passed away of a variety of health complications, coupled with old age. Our house seemed very quiet without the old guy around, even though we have a few other animals. So, we began looking online to see who was available for adoption, and even started looking at breeders.
My heart was set on another pug (of course), and my husband wanted another bulldog to keep our elderly bully company. So, we looked and looked… and out of the blue found an ad for “This Dog” at Animal Control. They could have branded him better, making up any name as many shelters do, and chose not to. The photo was blurry and sad. The brief summary had explained that he was picked up as a stray, and gave no information about his personality or health condition.
Off we endeavor, on an hour journey, to meet this nameless English Bulldog. When we get to Animal Control, we find a sweet, loving bully, in quarantine for multiple health issues. His ears have terrible red wounds, the fur on his back is balding, he has an eye infection, and is on 2 antibiotics! This poor dog was wandering the streets, but was licking my husband and son through the jail cell, while I was on a line to prequalify to adopt him.
The guys fell in love right away, and I didn’t want another puppy, so he seemed like a good compromise. I agreed, and we were told that if nobody claimed him in 3 days, he was ours. I was cautiously excited, and ran down there again when I got the call that he was ready to come home. This mangy bulldog nearly bowled me over, never mind hugging my son. He was so happy to have owners again and couldn’t stop hugging us.
We bought him a new collar with a bow tie on it and he was very proud, prancing in circles. When we brought him to the lobby, he hugged every single person there! (The lady in white slacks was the only one not pleased to formally meet him.) He jumped in the car, demanded pets, and kissed me the entire hour home! My son was cracking up, and by the time we got home, I was head over heels in love with this fat, farting dog!
Since he has been a member of the family, we found out he knows “sit” and “paw”. We feel terrible for the family who clearly lost this beautiful dog. After quite a bit of ointments, eye drops, and other medicines, his fur has grown in beautifully, and he is show dog quality! All for $20 and a lifetime commitment to the little guy. He is eternally grateful, and gives hugs and kisses all day. We affectionately call Sulley our shadow, since he follows us everywhere!
How many times has a manager looked over a resume because it was missing a minute detail, instead of seeing the incredible potential a candidate has, if “groomed” a little? How many candidates have passed on sending a resume because they didn’t have one little detail in the job description?
We have a lot to learn from Sulley, the bulldog with the worst presentation at the pound, but with the best attitude out there! Sulley will be sharing tips on Get Hired and Beyond’s facebook page regularly at www.facebook.com/gethiredandbeyond
. He may even help me guest blog from time to time.
The moral of the story: there’s a home for every dog and a dog for every home! Don’t get down if you haven’t found the right next career move for yourself. It’s out there! Don’t think of yourself as the dog no one wants because then you really won’t find a home!!!
What separates me as a blogger, author, and subject matter expert in career counseling from you as a job seeker? Knowing the expectation of the interviewer on the other side of the table. Or the purchaser of the sale you are trying to make. Or the person with whom I am networking.
From my years of experience, I am able to truly understand what the other person is looking for. That involves reading my audience, as well as presenting myself not only as an individual, but as a brand! Every time I am interested in doing business with a client or candidate, I am distinguishing myself as a brand.
My personal brand is multifaceted. Some of the areas I intend to highlight without saying such include:
-Excellent communication skills and interpersonal relational development
-Knowledge of market trends and salaries
-A solid understanding of the hiring process including things many people are unaware of
-The ability to succinctly highlight skills on a resume in a way appealing to a hiring manager
Think about a handful of areas for which you want to be known. Develop a mini-marketing campaign including a 30-second, 1 minute, and 5 minute overview of you. What are your strengths? What successes have you demonstrated at work, in school, or at volunteer roles? Think accurately and positively, and put pen to paper. Knowing how to set yourself apart can help, whether you are asking for a promotion, selling something, or navigating a high volume job fair!
Have you ever wondered why actors are waiters during the day? I do not think that is a coincidence! To be able to audition, it is important for someone to have a flexible work schedule with the understanding that they can get shifts covered by someone, and where they are not committing to a 40-hour a week, no callout situation. On top of which, someone who acts is likely a people-person who endears their customers, thereby collecting higher tips.
Conversely, I have a very close friend who chose real estate and has worked as her own boss for many years. She self proclaims that she would not last 2 weeks as a "cubicle dweller" working a structured job with less than full flexibility. Some people are best with more guidance, and others succeed as self-starters or managers. Some of us like to work with people and others prefer to focus in a quiet area.
Another close friend of mine is unbelievably organized (and I am so jealous of her efficiency and ability to coordinate and visually layout) and she is also very skilled at determining the preferences of others. She has been a great success in retail management and has many years ahead of her with opportunity for growth and advancement.
Focus on what you enjoy as well as your strengths. The more engaged you are in your career, the more successful you will be. I can suggest the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory as a great assessment of your preferences and that suggests employment which fits your style.
There is nothing worse than having a job or career that does not fit who you are as a person!