Don't worry: I didn't put a picture on this blog article!

A few weeks ago, a dear friend posed a metaphorical question: How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche? And I texted her immediately, asking if she was responding to an email from our prior head honcho.

So...I posed the question to my loyal facebook fans: How do you know your manager is a "big fizzy douche" (to coin a musical number in Chuck Lorre's ingenious and always entertaining show, "Two and a Half Men"? The response was overwhelming, and emails are still coming in.

So, with no further ado, are you, or do you have, a DOUCHE BOSS? Here is a Top 10 Get Hired and Beyond Exclusive List!

10. You take no accountability for your team, point fingers, and blame others for your disinterest and inadequacy.
9. You treat your employees as objects, rather than humans. This is especially true and especially disgusting at termination time. 
8. You lie or make false promises, including (but not limited to): promises of raises and promotions which the company cannot back up (and you are well aware of the carrot you dangle.)
7. Instead of focusing on employee accomplishments, you nitpick the 3 minutes someone is late because they are stuck in traffic, commuting half an hour or more, to get to your stress-filled crap zone of despair. (Ok, maybe that's one of my personal contributions.)
6. You speak to your subordinates as though they were minions. Or small, stupid children. Or small, stupid minions. Being demeaning and demoralizing is a very douche way to talk to individuals you personally hired for skill and expertise.
5. You don't delegate work appropriate for the staff you hired because nobody will do it as well as you do, thereby making very intelligent people fixate on mediocre crap.
4. You devalue anything in your employees' lives besides work and expect them at your beck and call, at minimum wage, around the clock. (Right, Boss from #7?)
3. You are too self absorbed to notice that morale has gone down the toilet, faster than your team can say "Douche!"
2. You rule through a culture of intimidation, rather than a culture of respect. Yeah, that sucks on the receiving end!
1. You ask a minimum wage employee for a personal loan, then threaten to penalize the person since they did not provide you with said loan. (I actually heard that from someone this week, and think that takes the KING DOUCHE CROWN!)

Sorry to have offended anyone with the repeated usage of the word "douche'. Please feel free to take creative license when sharing with others, and change to ass-hat, crap-nozzle, jerkoff, or any other term that truly encompasses the ultimate douche-ness of a prior (or current) boss. 

Feel free to share in comments or privately how your boss has been a huge douche to you! Your anonymous quote may make it into an upcoming blog!

I shall now go burst into the musical number made famous by Walden Schmidt and Alan Harper! And...I can't sing!
“I have a background and don’t want it to get in the way of my new job.”
“I never completed my degree and many opportunities in my field expect it.”
“I have gaps in my employment history”.

All of these are real scenarios. If there are significant criminal issues in your background (and sometimes credit when you are working in the financial/banking areas), it is best to disclose the nature of what occurred and have a forthright conversation with your potential employer regarding the severity of the issue. I have seen companies hire candidates with felonies and misdemeanors because it has been a while since the crime, because they felt the person was a good fit, or because the person explained the situation in a compelling way. (Note: “I didn’t do it” is not an explanation that a company wants to hear or will respect.

Additionally, corporations get tax breaks for hiring previously convicted felons. Conduct a web search on which companies have more flexible background policies. But, be realistic! If you were convicted of embezzlement, I do not think anyone will hire you as CFO. If you have a sex offense in your background, don’t apply to be a camp counselor! Be realistic about your limitations. Don’t get into more trouble.

Also, in disclosing the information, do not say: “I’m an ex-con”. Perhaps a softer approach would be to share that “there are some issues in my background, and I was wondering if this will affect my ability to be hired.”

If you have not completed a degree, be honest! Mind you, it may be a great time to complete the education that has been lingering over your head. Whatever you do, do not lie on your resume or application! I had to terminate someone from a pending temp to hire job who was perfect because she lied about having a Bachelor degree. It broke my heart, because the company loved her and thought she was a perfect fit. Unfortunately, they did not even require a degree for the position!!!

Be aware of gaps in your employment history and be ready to proactively and positively explain them in a phone screen or interview. If there is a long gap, be aware that it will come up and be prepared as to your response. In fact, a cover letter may be a great place to account for the gaps in a proactive, professional manner.

People are getting hired every day! Be honest and you will too!

People screw up. We are humans, and as such, we make mistakes: some little, some big, and some pretty overwhelming. Perhaps you didn’t finish college. Do not lie on your resume. Companies who have their fair share of applicants to choose from complete educational, reference, and background checks.

Case in point: I worked very closely with a fantastic temp who was assisting me at a Fortune 500 organization. She had all of the qualifications for the full time opening and did an outstanding job while temping. When it was time to offer her the full time role, my client verified her 4 year degree, and she had falsified it on her resume, thanks to bad advice she received from a relative. The offer was rescinded, and I refused to work with her again, because I was unable to trust her. Once you break trust, it is much harder to rebuild than just being transparent.

I would have still sent her to the job knowing she did not have her degree. The organization would have hired her, and even worse, they offer tuition reimbursement, so she would have been able to complete her degree while working. It never got to that point.

Whether a legal issue, credit blip (and after the last few years with the economy, who doesn’t have a problem there), or any other weakness, just be honest and share what you have done or can do to improve. Mom is right on this one!